Entries
by Kira Douji
Summary: *13th ENTRY IN* WARNING: Later chapters include dark moments, and possible shounen ai or further. Well, it's basically a journal by Valgaav set a ways in the future, under fifty years though.
1. First Time

Disclaimer: I really don't own any of the characters or anything, so... yeah don't sue!  
  
  
Journal   
  
I really like to watch the rain fall, and splatter against the window. It makes a soft splattering sound as it dies against an invisible barrier. Rain is like my soul, I once said, it's formed by many things and clouded by pollutants, but most of all: it dies when it collides with an invisible obstacle. That's what I feel like now: the rain. Before, I thought it was a respect for the water nature so steadily sends to the grave, now I know better.   
Lightening flashes, but there is no thunder, I suppose it should be odd, but strangely enough: it seems very fitting. Just a small illumination in an otherwise black covering. The momentary light blasted through the raindrops and the streaks on water on my window: creating eerie pictures on my wall. I know that the pictures are there, though I watch the rain, Filia says that's what happens when you watch something too much. I can't help it though, when the rain falls I feel like I'm viewing my own soul as it comes crashing down. It's nice.  
I know it's strange for a dragon to find the thought of death soothing, but after my life I don't think anything is strange. Oh, I can remember what my life (er... lives) was like before everything happened. My sister was the cutest little hatchling, and my three older brothers would always pick on me. No, that's not right, Eltia, the eldest, was good to me. Reminiscing about the past doesn't get me anywhere, but I can't really think of anywhere I want to go. Besides, with my past, it takes up your present and your future.  
Heh, never thought I'd be one to write things down like this: I never was too good with my feelings. I suppose that's something I picked up from Filia, "If you aren't going to tell me, tell yourself." Interesting, that gold, I think she's the only decent one among those murderers. Really, the ones born after my clan's slaughter aren't to be blamed, I know that now... After living through all this, I've learned a lot, and that's one of those things.  
Oh, the memories are coming back to me again... Filia and the others had hoped that I wouldn't remember, but I did... I remember summoning DarkStar to this world, wanting to purify it... I was fooling myself: I wanted to destroy it, to destroy all the hatred, the contradictions- everything. Lina-san stopped me, with Filia, and the damned mazoku priest and general. I still hate that jerk, but only based on a hatred I hold so deep in me I can't see to let it go.   
There I go again... I really don't understand how I am able to write these things. I haven't written for at least 1000 years, let alone in anything impersonating this type of speech. Back when Gaav-sama died, I couldn't even think straight long enough to form sentences that weren't crude, and rude... The hate-drenched ones towards the Golds, yes, but emotions that strong can make any being do anything. Oh, well, I suppose I should get over it before I bore myself.   
I've returned myself to Lord Cephied, I should have said that earlier. I guess it's not as important as my thoughts at the moment: It's times like this that I am glad that I CAN write like this, or I'd go insane... again. But anyway, like I said earlier: I have decided to follow Lord Cephied again. I know it's kind of weird, but after my 20th year of my rebirth, I had to find out some things. That's how I met him, yeah me, *I* talked with Lord Cephied. I was a hot-head back then, with wars brewing inside me I couldn't even recognize: but he's more understandable than I gave him credit for.   
In certain ways, I'm not entirely dragon in my thought process though. I mean, I call him Lord Cephied, but that's just for respect. Now, he's like an uncle, funny that... I don't think I really deserve a relationship like that, but it's for the better. Don't get me wrong, I'm not really depressed about all the 'sins' I've committed against M'Lord, at all. I still think some of what I did was right, and the rest extravagant, but not intentional. I won't take blame, the priest reprimand me for that, but what do they know? Have they ever spoken directly with Lord Cephied? Or talked with a Demon King AND another Dragon God?   
I have, but I don't feel like writing that tonight: It's too much after everything else I've written. So well written... I will read over this again, I can tell. I'm babbling about how astounded I am that I wrote this clearly, know I think I've got it: Zelgadiss. Yeah, after a while Filia couldn't take how down and thoughtful I was. Like I said: I can't express myself and my emotions very well, or at least until that one trip. Zel had come, begrudgingly I recall, when Filia asked him to take me on one of his travels. Neither of us liked the idea, I was growing up a third time, and already had my adult mind, but I was in a 16 year old body. Zel knew that, and didn't want to deal with me: especially as a baby-sitter.   
That first night we were by the fire and just glaring at our shoes. I can't remember exactly how it happened, but somehow we got into a hot-head feud that lead to a mock-fight. It was actually kind of fun, and once it ended we got over it all, and sorta went from there. It must have been good for both of us: we really are so much alike in some respects.  
The rain has almost stopped, I can tell it's letting up. My beautiful soul-watching had ended again, but I'm not upset: I know my own soul is still falling. Maybe one of these days I'll reach a bottom... that would be nice. Until then, I think I'll watch the rain drip, and splatter: injured and dying slowly on my window.  
  
- Valgaav Aira  
  



	2. Blood, Tears, and Time

Disclaimer: I really don't own any of the characters or anything, so

Disclaimer: I really don't own any of the characters or anything, so... yeah don't sue!

Journal

I just got back from another talk with Cephied, and I'm surprised I'm able to write at all. My hand is still shaking from the after affects of what happened, but I'm managing. Hmm, I'm being a little cryptic aren't I? Well, we'll see just how long I can write…

Well, I should mention that I visit Lord Cephied twice every week unless he says otherwise. Or, rather, he visits me. I have to travel to the old Shrine the Water Dragon King created first, and then he… sort of seeps into me. It's really odd… I'll see if I can explain what happened today.

Just as usual, around 12 I made my way over the Shrine. I don't like being there during the day, so I took the long way: flying. I really enjoying being able to fly again, and not with a spell… with wings. My midnight black, Ancient Dragon wings… the one part of my history I truly missed when I was mazoku. So, I flew there, took about 13 hours. (It's on the other side of the world.) When I finally made it, (really early morning) most everyone except a few priests were gone. 

Of course, I bypassed the priests as much as possible. They're stupid, they believe in some unwavering justice and purity crap that Filia used to throw around. I hate having to talk with them, its always, "How has your repentance gone?" or "Have you decided to confess yet? You really should before it's too late." I tell them that they should ask Cephied, and they usually leave me alone. 

I got lucky, because today I didn't run into any of them. So, I made my way to the room I usually use, just a side room for private worship. No one ever bothers anyone inside if the door is closed. I walked inside, shut and locked the door, and sat down. It was dark, and the room wasn't very decorated anyway, so I didn't bother with any light. (Not that I need it anyway.) Then… I knelt and prayed. 

L-sama, I **know** how damn corny that is, but like I care anyway. It's a short prayer, and more like a summoning spell: I mean, that **is** what it does. Lord Cephied is physically divided among four Knights, but mentally and spiritually he exists on the Astral Plane. The spell/prayer calls his attention to a certain spot on the mortal plane. Once called there, well, everything is up to him. The first time, he came to me, I suppose he knew what was going on inside me. Whatever the reason he came to my consciousness and took over.

Now, I call him and we talk. Yeah, that's it, I say the prayer and I feel his presence glide to wherever I am. Then, he sinks into my mind, like… It's so hard to explain it's like… being a rock in the middle of rapids. There's something flowing around you, and beating at you constantly, there's always a chance you could drown, or be destroyed by the sheer force of it. When it's finally over, I feel so light, like I could float out of my body, and not come back. That and I can tell Cephied's mind and mine are… almost the same. Overlapped. 

When he came this time I got that feeling again, shuddering like I do every time. This time, though, I could tell right away that he had something planned: so I stayed silent until he felt like talking. It was a long wait: an hour or so of complete silence, and darkness. After a while it started to bother me: it reminded me of something, but I couldn't remember what that was, and it scared me. Scared me so much that I curled up where I was sitting and hugged my knees, but remained silent. 

It was a little while later, when I was really starting to shake with terror, that Lord Cephied decided to say something. I was so thankful for an end to the torture: relief washed over me in waves. I could almost feel it cover me entirely. Apparently, that's exactly what Cephied was expecting to happen. Tricky bastard. (I can respect him, but that doesn't mean I always have to be nice). After he comforted me enough that I was listening, he told me that.

He said that he wanted to show me **why** I was so frightened. I have to say, I wasn't exactly jumping at the idea, but I agreed anyway. It's much better to know what I'm afraid of; I hate blind fear: it's worst than **anything**. He told me that it would be trying, that I had thrown those memories down and locked them away. Here, I thought I'd already remembered everything… boy was I wrong. Cephied had to literally wrench the memories from the pit I'd thrust them into.

That **HURT**. Not just a plain old I've-wounded-myself-in-battle-pain, a tearing, searing, hell bound pain. A wound that made my throat go hoarse before I could scream, tears explode onto the floor, and my body writhing in agony on the stone floor. He did not try to comfort me then, he dug deeper, and I didn't put up a defense. As Filia put it, "If nothing else, he's stubborn as hell." That stubbornness is the only thing that made me keep my defenses down long enough for my Lord to find the memories, and bring them to life. 

When he did: I was thrown into darkness beyond twilight, brilliance beyond the dawn. I saw colors that were all around me, and not there at all: and felt a chaos that flowed through me, and observed an order that was too complicated to understand. I realized what it was after minutes or hours of floating through this past: this was where I went when Dark Star took me. A combination of opposing forces that was so great it blew the mind. The clash had been to loud at impact that it deafened all time after it. Again, fear gripped my consciousness until I was sure I would snap in its grasp. 

This time, there was no help: I stayed immersed inside the nightmare for a time, I still do not know. I tried forever to find a way out, and finally remembered that I was not alone in myself. The thought was like a beacon of hope to me: (though it disgusted me later) I called out to Cephied for help. He might have been trying to prove something, but I'm lead to think that he just wanted to scare me. Which he did, more than I think he can comprehend. 

When I accepted Gaav-sama's help, I did so because I thought my race, my lord, and my god had turned on me. Earlier today, I started to think I had been right. It felt like he had been toying with me the entire time. I can think of mazoku less evil. It made me angry and even more afraid: afraid that everything that he had said before was a lie. Then I stopped yelling for him, and started yelling at him. 

I scorned him in every way I could think of, and clawed away at the darkness. I swore at him, and cursed him to a million different fates. I drew from all my lives, from being rejected as a dragon to my trials as a mazoku, to whatever it is I am now. When I finally came back to the present my hands were torn and throbbing, I could feel blood on my face that mixed with tears of despair and hatred. My ears were ringing, and my head pounding, my legs had gone limp, and my stomach was twisted in various different ways. In short: I felt like shit, and I'm still feeling the "after-shocks".

Lord Cephied wasn't there when I came around, nor did he come back. I was alone again, but I was already too far-gone to care. I just needed to calm down, so I sat and wished for the rain. However, I got no such relief, and the only dripping I heard was my blood steadily falling to the torn floor. I teleported back home, hopefully for some relief, but as I look out the window I see that I am still denied any. 

Now, I can understand some of Hellmaster's thoughts: L-Sama can be a real bitch. There is no rain now, not when I need it. I can't watch my silent descent, or let the sounds and pictures soothe me. There's a drought all around me, I don't expect the rain for a while, but I think it's not just the rain that's gone missing. It took my soul too.

- Valgaav


	3. The Other

Disclaimer: I really don't own any of the characters or anything, so

Disclaimer: I really don't own any of the characters or anything, so... yeah don't sue!

Journal

What an interesting title, Valgaav: not one for embellishment, are you? What an interesting story you have formed here, perhaps you can tell more? Perhaps you do not quite understand some things still… Although most have already been revealed to you. You should speak more of what you learned while within Dark Star. Though, I am sure you won't ever forget what was learned (even when you serpress some of your memories.).

Of course we both know it would simply be for myself to read, but I never claimed to be a person of unselfish nature. But, I think this journal has shown that you need to share this with someone else besides yourself, ne? (And I think we both know that dieties are not the best all things considered.) Say hello to Filia and Cephied for me…

-Okugi


	4. Inbetween

Disclaimer: I really don't own any of the characters or anything, so... yeah don't sue!  
  
Journal  
  
The first thing I probably should be doing is asking how the hell you found this, why you read it and who you are, but I really don't think I want to know anyway. Maybe I will write more about what it was like inside DarkStar, and maybe I won't. You are right, though: it would be nice to write to someone other than myself, but I want to know about you before I tell you more about that.   
I'm still upset with Cephied, beyond upset; I'm pissed. I can't tell Filia because she'll be upset/worried/sad/not-understanding. Sometimes I just want to take that Dragon God and ... just... turn HIS world around, kill HIS ideals... But I won't, because I'm too damn loyal... Sometimes I still wish Gaav-sama were around. It's still a drought around here, and it's driving me nuts. I cannot even think straight to write much more. Tell me about yourself, and maybe I can learn to think in sentences.  
  
-Valgaav  



	5. Almost

Disclaimer: I really don't own any of the characters or anything, so... yeah don't sue!  
  
Journal  
  
A little about myself? Well, I must say you are a clearer thinker than when we last met. That's right, I'm another part of your past dredged up. You just can't seem to get away from it. However, if you want to compare lives, I can do that. It's too bad you can't learn to embrace such a dark past, though...   
  
Well, how about we start with some parallels, hm? I haven't written like this is years; so don't expect it to be some great masterpiece. Then again, I don't think I have to worry about criticism. I suppose one parallel could be our superior. Can you guess whom I serve? Even if you couldn't I can tell you now you aren't the only one who squabbles with the Gods. Cepheid acts the way he does because he thinks he's doing what is right for you. As much as you may hate his methods I think he did accomplish something that can only help you.   
What is that? Hmmm, why don't you tell me? I don't have much more time to write: you'll be upstairs soon, and I have just been informed of pressing matters. Too bad too, if you had been quicker and quieter you might have caught me!   
  
-Okugi  



	6. A Little More

Disclaimer: I really don't own any of the characters or anything, so... yeah don't sue!  
  
Journal  
  
The moment I opened the door, I could tell you were here. Damnit all, you smartass ghost writer, one of these days I'll catch you. As I look around my room nothing seems out of place, the window is not open, nor are my bed sheets rumpled, though that is where I had laid the journal down. How you managed that will only make my suspicions grow, but I'm sure you know that already. You probably did it just to play with my mind... after all that is what you're good at, ne?   
These last few days have been nothing short of hell, I'm honestly glad to have a reason to hide from the world if for only a few more moments. As I write this, I am continually reading and re-reading your entry of only a few short minutes ago. Seems that you got me talking, or at least writing straight again. I suppose I should be grateful, for that and the reason you know I was outside for... the rain.  
It finally came back, in a roaring, destroying, ravaging storm. It flooded the town, and killed some of the kids, raged through the gardens and utterly tore the plants to oblivion. And I... I was the only person who enjoyed it all. I guess the part of my mind that was most influenced by my mazoku nature never really left me. Or it could just be my subconscious rebelling against the Red Flare Dragon. You've squabbled with him too, you say? Well, that just narrowed down who you could be to a very few people.   
My turn for a question: How is it you seem to understand Lord Cepheid so well? Look at that, I wrote "Lord" again. I really am pathetically loyal. I really wish Gaav-sama hadn't died: despite what the others say about him, he really was a good master. I can tell I'm smiling though I have no way of knowing for sure, I just saw the lightening bounce off the pink skyline: it reminded me of the first spell Gaav-sama ever taught me.   
I can still remember the fire, the power, and the pain. The agonizing screams of the people who came in contact with it. What little batches of Gold Dragons I could manage to find I would kill with his power only, except for that one priest... He died from what little power of the Ancient Dragons I still had left in me. His blood ran clear from the amount of magic I suffused him with. And I know that you're probably enjoying reading this, so I'll stop on that subject.  
The thunder boomed again, shaking the walls of this small, but sturdy enclosure Filia has made into a business and a home. Poor Filia, I really do feel bad for her: she's so upset about this storm, probably upset that I'm enjoying this so much too. I should go comfort her, when I'm finished writing of course. Even though, or maybe because she is a Gold: when she brought me up, I really began to love her. It's more of a respect-based love than I had for my real mother.   
Wait, someone's at the door...  
  
It was Zelgadiss; I wonder what he's doing around here. All I know is I opened the door, with Filia walking up behind me, and... he just walked in drenched in the rain but not really seemingly to care. He glanced at me, bit it felt like there was something more to that glance than I got. Then he just asked Filia for some tea, and coughed a bit. The stubborn fool wouldn't admit he'd gotten sick out there until Filia dragged him to the guest bedroom... He's been in there for twenty minutes now, talking with Filia. I know it's something to do with me, because they won't let me inside.  
Damnit, I hate it when people keep secrets from me, especially when it concerns me, and it's by the people I'd actually admit to caring about. There's something about everything that just happened that really rubs me the wrong way. I know something's up, but I'll have to wait until morning to find out. What about you, though, are you apart of all of this? You probably are, stupid bastard: reading what I used to consider my only private thoughts. And yet, I know I'm going to leave this downstairs tonight, hoping you'll reply that much sooner.  
I hope my soul lands soon, I don't think I can take much more of this.  
  
-Valgaav Aira  
  
He taught me fear, he taught me gratitude.  
  



	7. Three in One

Disclaimer: I really don't own any of the characters or anything, so

Disclaimer: I really don't own any of the characters or anything, so... yeah don't sue!

Journal

You want some answers? Try these:

Silent but loud, bursting with unheard sound.

Cursing yet happy, clawing at a self-imposed prison.

Light and darkness that co-exist within one.

Tumbling painlessly towards the bottom.

-The Human

Cascading lights behind your eyes.

Flowing time crashing in your mind.

Wisdom dripping from trembling lips.

Realization at your finger tips.

-The Demon

Cool caresses of a faceless death.

Hot touch of a nameless lover.

Searing brillance of a forgiving God.

Flaming embrace of a Demon Lord.

-The Golem

Find your path.

-The Chimera


	8. A Journey

Disclaimer: I really don't own any of the characters or anything, so

Disclaimer: I really don't own any of the characters or anything, so... yeah don't sue!

Journal

Well, well, I come by for a visit and I see someone else has entered the conversation. I didn't know you wrote poetry, Zelgadiss, how amusing. So he taught you fear and gratitude? I think he taught you more than that, young dragon. However, I think you will find out what the other things he taught you are you soon enough.

That poem on the previous page should prove helpful if you look at it clearly. Really, Zelgadiss, you ruined all the fun. You were right to think that something's going on, but until now neither of the two downstairs knew I was involved. (Even now I know the Chimera won't mention anything to Filia at least.) This time, however, it is not going to affect the world, or at least on a much smaller scale. This is your journey now, Valgaav: the one you were meant to have. L-sama does have reasons for what she does – most of the time anyway.

As for how I know Cepheid… well you can figure that out I think. You wrote that I had already narrowed down who I could possibly be simply by knowing him. Do you think I did that by mistake? I can tell already how much you will glare at this page and the one opposing it. Perhaps another good long talk with Zelgadiss might clear some things up.

-Okugi

Very rude of you to stop on that description of the dragon's death after getting me so excited. 


	9. Beginning Again

Disclaimer: I really don't own any of the characters or anything, so

Disclaimer: I really don't own any of the characters or anything, so... yeah don't sue!

Journal

Here I am writing again and wondering why I am doing so at all. This book was meant for my eyes alone (though in some far recess of my mind I knew that I would at least end up sharing it with Lord Cepheid), but two other people?! This is insane; I don't know why I even bother writing something so obvious. 

On another note, I think I will talk with Zelgadiss again; in fact I'm leaving with him a few hours. Filia wants to make sure he won't remain sick or get any worse before we head out. I honestly have no idea where we are going, but I don't think you'll have trouble finding us. I guess that's beside the point though, isn't it?

I'm reading that poem again or at least the snatches written by Zel's inner combatants. I didn't realize they were so separate from one another. It's just a good thing that never happened between my two sides. I don't even want to think about that, sharing my head with Cepheid for the few times that I do is almost too much as it is. 

Hmm, well, clear-minded I can say hat some of those stanzas (or at least a few lines in them) are making some sense to me. I wish they hadn't. My life(s) were always so fucked up with prophecies, and war, that this poem is really starting to bother me. You said it would only involve my immediate surroundings and me? For some reason I believe you, and even stranger, it's a comforting thought. I can feel my lips turn upwards in a rye smile. I guess I am a dragon after all.

Valgaav Aira

Sometimes though, I do wonder…


	10. Masks

Disclaimer: I really don't own any of the characters or anything, so

Disclaimer: I really don't own any of the characters or anything, so... yeah don't sue!

Journal

When I started writing this journal I did it for my own sake. It was for my own thoughts and feelings, hoping that I could read through it again at some point and figure out the things confusing me. Now it seems that this small book has become a means of communication, and oddly enough: one that I keep close to me at all times. It's weird, feeling sentimental about discussions with entities that are people you know hiding behind masks. But it's easier to talk that way, isn't it?

This way we don't have to watch each other while we're talking, or conceal an emotion or two, because we are safely tucked away behind masks of mystery, innocence and truce. I know I find myself staying up late and re-reading this by the firelight simply contemplating its contents. Then I realize that this probably keeps you two from your responses. So, I set it down next to my bedroll and fall asleep, hoping that one of you will write.

My Okugi, where have you been? Have you had such a hard time finding us? I thought it would have been an easy task for you. Or, have you some pressing matters to attend to? You and your dark secrets that spread on my pages are, (though I find myself loathing to admit it) very much missed. I can talk with Zelgadiss during the day, but we somehow managed to avoid mentioning this leather-bound book in any way. I hope you write soon, even if I am talking to the mask of a ghostwriter, it's better than praying to a God that never answers. 

The fire is starting to hiss now, because it's started to mist heavily. Every night since we've left Filia's house it's rained. The chimera looks to me every time it starts, and somehow I think that it _is_ because of me that it's raining so much. Not that I'm upset about it: actually I'm very grateful for it. It's a daily monotony that in some way breaks the daily monotony of life. Humph, there I go again, with poetic babble. 

I think I heard our Chimera cough a little on his side of the fire. Looking up, I'm completely shocked by how worn he looks. The fire highlights his face in way that for a moment makes him seem more tired than the old man down the road from Filia. Old man… this realization struck me like a lightening bolt, I think I physically jolted because he glanced up at me. It's been decades since my battle, and although I haven't (and surely the demon and golem residing inside him) experienced the ravages of time; the human inside him must be weakening and growing older with each passing year. 

That worries me, Zelgadiss has turned into a close friend, and although his demon and golem sides can live throughout time, his human side will eventually die off. What will happen when (hopefully _if_) the human dies? It is the human part, or at least the human minded-Zelgadiss that we know. I wonder how much will change. Obviously, he will have to start sustaining himself on emotions and the like, but will it just be a shell of him, or will his mind stay with us? 

And why am I worried about him dying? Death has never fazed me before. I'll suggest that he gets to sleep first. Still, is it that I'm worried for the simple fact that he's human? Have I let that stupid speech they gave me go to my head? Humans really do live such short lives, and his echoes mine as yours parallels it. Maybe there's something I can do to help him, but I don't know what. I have very few choices on the subject of saving someone from death.

Of course I have holy magic, but I'm no priest, and even if I were, it's nearly impossible to convince Lord Cepheid first to let his power be used in such a way. But also, the process itself is long and hard, painful enough for even Zelgadiss to choose death as an escape from it. And I am no Dark Lord, nor do I know any that would help. So, turning him fully mazoku is out of the question as well. Unless you have any ideas on the subject, I doubt we'll have him for much more than 20 more years. 

There is a pain building inside my chest, and I know what it is, but still cannot understand it. Death is an escape, redemption; a way out of this fucking shitty existence. Isn't this what I wanted in the first place? He would have been one of the first to die. …So why is it bothering me now? 

I've let my mask slip, I can tell, because just before he was going to close his eyes he stopped and looked at me. Gods, I don't how much longer I can stay in this perpetual limbo. My mask has left, I can't replace it, and a fear is tearing at me now. Yet, also a strange calmness, a relief that it's gone. A tear trails my cheek, and I think how alien it is for my to have even on tear on my face. 

Now he's worried, even after I've been trying so hard not to do that to him. As long as I keep writing, though, he won't say anything. What- I think he just smiled… Now I'm even more confused than before, and the shattered remains of my mask won't fit back into place in time for me to hide it. Please write back soon, I have some thinking I need to do.

-Valgaav Aira

Sweet rain; wonderful dissention of my soul.


	11. Ramble

Disclaimer: I really don't own any of the characters or anything, so Raven B. Parsons Normal Raven B. Parsons 1 34 2001-11-01T14:45:00Z 2001-11-01T15:19:00Z 1 1 1 9.2720 

Disclaimer: I really don't own any of the characters or anything, so... yeah don't sue!

Journal

               Do not worry yourself over such trifle matters, Valgaav; the Chimera is being taken care of.  Have no doubts, not only is he important for your personal quest, but (and you may have forgotten this) he is the last of the Greywords line.  It is, therefore, very important for him to be taken care of at least until he has a son.  I know little of his family, besides his great/grandfather, but I believe that were you to ask him, he'd actually tell you. 

               As for myself, yes, I have finally had a moment to catch up with you two.  You were right to think I had matters to attend to; do you remember Lina?  Of course, I doubt you could forget her…  I encountered her the other day: she's still very healthy, especially for a human her age.  Not that we should be surprised, what with her black magic, and other things.  She asked me how you were doing, what do you want me to tell her? 

               Have you really missed my writings so much?  That's funny, I thought you had a good idea of who I was, or does it not matter?  I suppose it really doesn't, as you put it, "talking to the mask of a ghostwriter" and all.  But then again, you aren't a ghostwriter to me.  Soon, though, we will meet again, and we won't have to use masks.  How does that sound?  Do you even have an idea where you are going?  No, you wouldn't would you?

               Never the less, I'll be seeing you there.  Don't worry; it won't be confrontational at all, a simple talk.  (Between us at least)  Then I will take care of Zelgadiss.  Ne ne, your interest is peeked isn't it?  Wonderful, more secrets, though I'm not sure if I want anymore than I already have.  How are your secrets?  Have you shared them with Zelgadiss?  No matter, I'll ask him later.  Leave this with our chimera tonight.

-Okugi

Wisdom that drips like burning blood, so slow, so pure.

Pure pain in time…


	12. Blood Stains

Disclaimer: I really don't own any of the characters or anything, so... yeah don't sue!

 Journal

                Both of you worried over something that's barely human any more. Never thought I'd see that from you. Yet, You should listen to him, Val, I will be taken care of don't worry. Yes, many more clues circulating through our thoughts, more secrets building and being torn down between us. Who ever thought we'd end up like this? Tell Lina that we are fine, and that we are traveling together: she'll know what I mean. We will be reaching our destination soon; I expect to see you at the doors. 

                Today felt like it would never end and for a while I didn't want it to, I feel so weary, even when I arose this morning it took almost longer than it takes to get Lina up. We came across some low level mazoku today. They weren't much of a bother, but that really isn't everything that happened. Running into them only proved that we were on the right path, and yet there were more than I had expected. Although I wasn't worried, I was mildly surprised. 

                Valgaav's love for a battle certainly hasn't left him. I know he'll be reading this too, later on, and I can almost see the smirk on his face he'll have when he reads this. Let's just say he has no qualms about demon blood. Remember what you wrote last? "Wisdom that drips like burning blood, so slow, so pure. Pure pain in time…" With those words you infused the thoughts of my own demon through you into his mind. I could see the words in his eyes as he ripped and tore through them without a single spell. 

                I can't say I didn't enjoy that; the demon within me still thrums from the excitement, the raw pleasure of watching him. In a way, I believe it is my being that did as well, not the demon alone. You would have loved it, Okugi; the blood as it flew still steaming through the air from the flesh his claws had rent apart. Then later as it flowed around us like rivers – the ground is tainted, and unable to support weed now because of its amounts. How beautiful it was to watch the crimson streams fall across his chin and creep slowly down his body, while some of it matted his hair into stringy sections that feel limply against a back bared from transformation. 

                And he enjoyed it too, enjoyed it probably more than even you would have. You could see it clearly as you watched him drink their still hot blood as it poured from their bodies. Deep-throated purrs of animalistic pleasure erupted from him, as he drank their life. An almost drunken look as he sat back afterwards, burning blood dripping from his lips, as he ran his tongue across his fangs. The wisdom you spoke of – I spoke of – found in that moment as he gazed at the grey sky: intoxicated. All found in the haze of Ruby light, I'm sure you are all too familiar with. 

                Yes, one part has been figured out, one part found, and I am thinking that our trip may take just a bit longer. Congratulations on your escape, Valgaav. 

-The Chimera


	13. Answers

Disclaimer: I really don't own any of the characters or anything, so... yeah don't sue!  
  
Journal  
  
That seems rather odd, a congratulation like that from you, Zelgadiss; or has more changed than I thought? Then again, it really doesn't matter does it? You know, you were right when you said I'd be smirking when I read that last entry of yours, heh, I just can't stop grinning.  
  
I visited a nearby stream to bathe before coming back and making camp, that way I could write without dripping blood on the parchment. And I feel so light. It's great, I feel so free: enough to be laughing loud and long. I don't know what you or our Chimera went through but it certainly has brought out sides to you I haven't seen before, but I think I like them. Like I enjoy the way Zelgadiss just smirked knowingly and even enjoy your little teasings. It feels like it was supposed to be this way. Ah, a preview of twilight years perhaps?  
  
I think I'd enjoy that, staying in contact with you two that is. Maybe I do and maybe I don't need Cephied or any other master for that matter. Right now, I really couldn't care less, and in that is where I see the escape that Zel spoke of. You found it a long time ago, didn't you Okugi? I'm close to the answer, I can feel it. And more of that poem our chimera wrote is becoming clear to me.  
  
That first stanza "Silent but loud, bursting with unheard sound./ Crusing yet happy, clawing at a self-imposed prison./ Light and darkness that co-exist within one./ Tumbling painlessly towards the bottom." I think I have made sense of it. That first line, refers to the sound of creation, ne? I paid more attention to Volphied and Durigdigdo than you thought, huh? I'm laughing now, and it's because of how easy that was. You know that's exactly what they sounded like? Hilarious! Cursing yet happy... that one refers to the ryuzoku and mazoku of the world. Am I wrong? I doubt it, Okugi, truely I do. We are all stuck in this eternal cycle of fate and free will and yet even I am carefree while still trying to find a way out of it all. I envy the humans, and that's what the next line is about, correct? Zelgadiss, to think the human part of you knows that above all else... Light and darkness within one being, one race. And all of it falling to the bottom. The bottom of what? Our cage, our prison? Or simply to an end?  
  
Look at that, I'm smiling again: I know what the escape was from. For a moment I left it all behind, I had no master, no lord, no earth, no body, no astral form. That's the solace you mazoku seek the solace you find the more you destroy; the harder or longer the kill. Now I understand your change, Zelgadiss, you finally let yourself experience that without regret. You're different from the other humans in that way. Humans experience this in death because they don't come back; they go on to Cephieds abode, Shabrinigdo's home and/or if they are lucky enough, on to the Sea of Chaos that is L-Sama. But eventually they all get away from the cycle, but our dear chimera, you let yourself get caught inside it with us. I wonder if this feeling is also what draws and keeps people in service to Cephied.  
  
I don't know, and I doubt now if I will ever search for the answer. So this is the journey that the Lord of Nightmares had originally planned for me? Such are the wills of her creations to stop or forestall her wishes. I guess we'll never learn. Was that the point of my journey? To learn that? No, it can't be, can it? After all we haven't reached our destination, you'll wait for us, Okugi? Perhaps you'd like to explain what the demon within Zelgadiss sought to say in the second paragraph.... Or will you send more 'helpers' to make me discover the meaning for myself?  
  
First though, I think I'll stop writing and place this book a little ways away from camp, and relax into that wonderful massage Zel's giving me.  
  
(A very content)  
  
-Valgaav 


End file.
